Navigating Vulnerabilities and Disagreements

Written by: Suncha Baptiste | People Working Well Learning Consultant

Consider the following scenario: Sarah is a new manager who recently experienced a disagreement with a member of her team. Things did not go as expected, and since then, there has been tension between Sarah, and several others from her team. Her team did not appreciate how Sarah handled the situation and felt like Sarah was inflexible and lacked empathy. Sarah, however, thinks that “rules are rules” and should be followed.

According to Daniel Coyle, the first time an employee disagrees with something or expresses vulnerability marks a critical time in the group’s culture and a key opportunity to create psychological safety for the team. [1]

From Sarah’s perspective, the importance of company policy and doing the right thing aligned with her values during this disagreement. However, from the employee’s perspective, the desire for validation and empathy aligned strongly with their needs more so than finding a solution to the problem.

In this case, the first disagreement and the first vulnerability happened together, however, this is not always the case. Other examples of first vulnerabilities may include the first time an employee checks in late for work or a Zoom session, or the first time an employee expresses a struggle they’re facing.

Here are three ways to navigate these firsts while creating psychological safety:

Open-ended questions: Using open-ended questions provides more details as to what the issue is and helps the person get past the deadlock of yes or no answers. This can deepen the conversation and provide a better understanding of where the employee is coming from. For example, Sarah could ask: “How do you feel about the policy?” Or “Can you tell me more about your concerns about this policy? ”

Affirmations: Affirmations can be used to validate what the person saying and is also a way to express empathy. For example, Sarah could respond with: “I appreciate your honesty and willingness to explore this with me”.

Reflections: Reflective listening involves paraphrasing what the employee has expressed, to show that the listener is getting what is being said and helps clarify any misunderstandings. For example, Sarah could say: “It sounds like you’re very frustrated with this issue”.

Summaries: Leaders can use summaries to synthesize key points or themes discussed during team meetings or conversations. Summaries help integrate information, clarify priorities, and ensure alignment among team members. For example, “Let’s summarize the key takeaways from today’s meeting”.

In Sarah’s case, she valued law and order and felt like her staff had other values that did not align with that. However, if Sarah investigated further, she would find that there were shared values of both wanting to have respectful and engaging relationships with their teammates. Starting with shared values and common ground could provide a foundation for building a solution or having a productive conversation.

Sarah’s approach to her teammate’s disagreement and vulnerability was to find a solution as quickly as possible. She wanted to dowse the flame before it turned into a fire. However, collaborating with her teammates to find solutions, brainstorm ideas, or even sleep on things, would give both parties time to reflect on options and alternatives could have been more effective, and ultimately provided psychological safety for the team.

First disagreements and first vulnerabilities present a unique opportunity for leaders to build safety with employees, and in turn, help build change in group culture which can ultimately create psychologically safe workplaces.

Coyle, Daniel. The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups. Random House, 2018.

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